Maybe it’s in your court orders. Maybe your attorney is telling you to do it. Maybe your parenting coordinator has imposed it on you. Maybe your ex-partner/ coparent is telling you to do it. But somewhere during your divorce case, someone is insisting that you use Email Guidelines or Email Instructions when you email with the other parent.
Why are these Email “Guidelines” being imposed on me?
When coparents/ ex’s who don’t get along very well email (or text) each other, they can get off track. They say too much. They’re too vague. They berate someone for past events. They keep talking about the problems from the relationship. They brag about how much better they are with the kids than the other parent. They harangue, offer unwanted advice, curse, blame, beg, and emote. None of those things are helpful in a coparenting relationship. If the court or someone connected with your case has noticed problems with the communications between parents, email rules may follow.
Note: If the court has ordered Email Guidelines, Instructions, or Rules, no matter what they’re called, if they’re in a court order, you can be sanctioned for not following them. In Arizona, sanctions can mean money fines, loss of parenting time, or having to attend parenting classes or counseling.
Consider these examples:
“I’ll ask you again, for the third time, to bring a proper coat for Josh since you have been unreliable in taking care of him and keeping him from getting sick constantly.”
“It’s amazing what a miserable person you are and how awful Kimmy feels when she’s forced to spend time with you and your skank girlfriend. She wishes she could live with me all the time.”
“Not surprised at all that you’re not going to take her to the school program that she loves. This is what you did throughout our marriage, always putting your own needs (and the bar) before your kids.”
Here are the most common areas covered by Email Rules or Guidelines:
Brief and Specific Emails. Keeping emails brief and focused on specific subjects (one or two subjects, at most, in an email) is probably the most important Email Guideline. The book BIFF for Coparent Communication (yes, I’m a co-author) expands on the art of good, brief, and focused coparent emails.
Future-Oriented Only. Coparenting emails must always be focused on future events of the child, and information about the child. They don’t cover what happened in the past.
Respectfulness. This is the third of the Top Three most important emailing rules. Name-calling, disparagement, sarcastic remarks, and bullying won’t be tolerated in coparenting emails and will often be sanctioned by the court.
Subject Lines. Specific subject lines (Jason’s baseball on 4-14; Monica’s dance recital) are important to keep emails organized, to be able to find the important emails later.
Response Times and Frequency of Checking Emails. Guidelines should tell each parent when a response to an emailed question is due (usually about 48 hours after the question is sent), when a response can take longer, and how often a parent must check his/ her emails. Generally, each parent should be checking his and her emails at least once every 24 hours.
Specify one email address. Each parent should be using only one email address for coparenting emails. The parents should also decide if they’ll use a coparenting app, such as Our Family Wizard, for their communications, as the apps provide the specific address to use.
Involvement of new partners and attorneys. Define who is and is not to be copied on coparenting emails.
Financial Issues. Discussion of financial issues – child support, reimbursements, payment for extracurricular events – should be done in emails separate from coparenting issues.
Texts. Both parents should be clear whether they are permitted to text each other, and under what circumstances they can text instead of email. A good rule of thumb in thinking about Email Guidelines is that coparents are expected to be businesslike and professional with each other. In a business email, you would be respectful and would not berate the other party; you would focus on the current issues without complaining about past events; you would state the issues succinctly and specifically, and you would respond professionally and promptly.